Here I’m sat, frantically typing away this post on my notes on my phone, whilst I sip my coffee and bite into my fresh wrap. I’m sat on what looks an old vintage wooden chair that’s been up-cycled. The soft khaki cotton back with a slight rip beautifully compliments the worn wooden arm rests beside me. The chair shows character, almost as if it tells a story. I’m sat here wondering where it’s from, and how it is so comfortable. I’m in a local cafe, I have bought myself breakfast/lunch (I’ve not yet had either but this will probably be both, so perhaps a not as classy answer to brunch?). Around me the two female working get about cleaning and prepping food, humming along to what I’m guessing to be mainstream pop from the radio. I’m pretty sure I heard a bit of Ed Sheehan earlier, not the Yung Bxne version unfortunately for me.
Now the scene is set, I can picture you, picturing me, covered from head to two to avoid sun rays, red yet whitewashed face from the factor 50 sunscreen, and cap on. Dressed in old pants, a t shirt, hoodie and socks and fluffy sliders. I could give you the impression that I’m doing something quite edgy, doing something most city folk do in the afternoon. But I can’t, I feel like this is an unplanned, unwanted stop in my day (although the cafe is lovely). Why do I feel so alone and distant from the world whilst I do it? I can’t lie and say I wanted to be sat alone this lunch, pondering my thoughts, but here I am.
Sat alone, looking busy as I type this blog post up in my notes, coffee in hand, I’ve once again hit a cross roads in life: What do you do when you’re in a bad situation? Do you stay in the situation and keep trying because this time ‘it will be different’? Or do you learn from every other last attempt, all of those painfully heartbreaking attempts, grab yourself together, and never be seen again? How can you abandon something you love so you can love yourself more? How can you keep trying when you’re the only one sincerely trying? Some people change, some people don’t, and it’s not our responsibility to change others. Although there might be love in the situation, the love just isn’t enough. That love isn’t transferable, it doesn’t just turn into care, affection and consideration. You can discuss the issue over and over, and you can receive all types of advice from all types of people. You can be mindful and understanding, but it will only get you so far. When do you put the needs of yourself first and and hit the road? It’s a shame because you hold on so tight, just like you have held on for so long, because the love is strong, the feelings are real, and that wide-eyed expression of hope and ‘maybe’ is still there.
You have to realise you have yourself and only yourself in the world. I can tell you that for certain. Although my inboxes are drowning me with heart warming messages, in a world full of billions, you can feel like the loneliest, the only one. Perhaps it would be different if I had a friend, maybe just one, one that made plans with me, or didn’t cancel the plans I had made. If I received responses to my messages, if I was invited out when you’re all out. Was it just the face? The hot legs and the upbeat attitude and banter? No quiet ones, no ‘how you doing?’. This isn’t a dig at anyone, I know people are busy. The best of friends can go months without seeing each other, purely because they are both busy, and I respect that. Mind you, I left the country on my friends, so maybe that plays a part.
But I’m stuck again, same crossroads as I have been at countless times before. Maybe it will be different. Maybe they will see what’s right in front of them before it’s too late. Maybe they’ll be able to love me how I need them to love me. Maybe I’ll be able to be proud of you, and everything you’ve overcome, because you recognised a time I needed you more than ever and you stepped up? Maybe I wouldn’t need to be sat in a cafe, alone at lunch, tears flowing yet being as discreet as possible, hoping you don’t lose me because most of all I don’t want to lose you.
Maybe things will be different. Maybe things will be the same as every other time. You’ll continue to lie, let me down and hurt me, but this time, I’ll be different. I’ll be brave. And I’ll be gone.
Because alone and loved by myself,
Is better than
Alone and holding out, waiting to be loved.