Burst of thought

This is a nice feeling. A pleasant feeling. It’s 1.04am and I’m sat on my bed waiting for my veggie dinner to cook. I’ve been to the gym and I made the most of my monthly subscription. I’ve spoken to my dad and agreed on plans for tomorrow. One year ago I was probably procrastinating in coffee shops and hanging out with friends in Cyprus. Life was great, back then it was a nice feeling too. I was in control. I did what I wanted, I lived my life the way I chose and I didn’t let anything get in my way. Although things changed, although there are constant reminds, differences, uncomfortable moments, second guesses and doubts daily in almost everything I do, I’m here, a year on, still living the way I choose. I really did come out the other end of a car crash. Things were bad, terrible, difficult and cruel, but I am so proud of everything I have managed to achieve. Life isn’t perfect, it never will be. If everything was easy nothing would be worth chasing. But all the things I thought were impossible 11 months ago I have achieved or am on my way towards. I’m 22 in a month. The 21st of June isn’t just the longest day of the year, summer solstice, earth day and my birthday, it’s now a deep scar. As ugly as the scar might feel, the horrible thoughts and flashbacks may be, I snap myself out of them, things are okay because I refused to let them be anything but. 11 months ago I wrote an impact statement. It was filled with things I thought were completely out of reach, all my hopes, dreams and desires were shattered and a world away from me. It took me 11 months to rebuild myself. I am thankful for the gruelling experience, I have learnt a lot about others, the world, hardship and struggle. I’ve learnt to appreciate the smaller things in life. To remember there’s no time like the present. I have outgrown temporary fun, I look forward to time alone. I see the beauty in a smile that wasn’t there before. I see the moon shining bright and I’m grateful I am still able to see. I am so hurt, so destroyed deep down. My heart breaks whenever the thoughts of my birthday arise, but my head screams out of all my accomplishments, my courage and bravery to get by and smile. I don’t think I did anything out of the ordinary, I just think I realised it was my life and made sure to live it the best I could without wasting it. I didn’t want to be filled with dark thoughts and bad feelings. I couldn’t be overrun with fear. I got myself up and faced the world. It wasn’t easy but I’m proud because I am here and I have this nice feeling. Things get bad before they get better. Be content with the bad, understand the purpose of the bad. All the bad will only make up for a better tomorrow. It’s been a while since I rambled on for the world. But all my sudden bursts of thoughts stopped. I stopped thinking. I blocked it out. I did my crying and I wanted to survive in this world and end the chapter that was victimisation. Today the thoughts are back. But they aren’t dark. They don’t come from a place of self pity or pain. I look forward for all there is to come.

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